Monologue Samples for “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien”

Researchers have revealed that ginger has been found to reduce side effects of chemotherapy. And yet, chemotherapy still prefers Mary Ann.

A 24-year-old female bartender in the Mississippi River community of Alton was charged with misdemeanor lewd entertainment last week after working nude. The arresting officer was overheard at the bar saying, “This is awesome! I love booze and boobs. This may be the greatest bar … Oh crap, my wife just walked in. You are under arrest!”

“The Sopranos,” the U.S. television series about a New Jersey mob family, has sparked an unusual spinoff —a line of Italian wines that will be launched in the United States this fall. The wine is said to have a hint of oak, a touch of berries, and a splash of “yer mutha”!

Canadian scientists are questioning whether dinosaurs actually traveled as far as thought while making their biannual migrations. I doubt it. Those damn dinosaurs are a bunch of filthy liars!! This velociraptor I know has owed me $30 from a poker game for like a month. Will he pay me back? Probably not, because he’s a stupid, lying, doody-head!!! I’m not even afraid to write this because you know and I know that dinosaurs can’t read… or play poker! Man, I really hate dinosaurs.

In a new survey, most men feel blonde women are more fun while brunettes make better wives, because they are seen as more dependable and sensible. But if you ever want to murder your business partner, and you need someone to help you frame your cousin and dispose of the body…. go with a redhead.

An Australian man allegedly stabbed his wife with a pair of scissors before hitting her over the head with a rock. If only she had some paper.

A Santa Rosa, CA couple said their beloved pet cat, George, has finally returned home after he went missing more than 13 years ago. Unfortunately, the cat’s family had moved on with another cat. The old cat is upset with the family, but understands that the… you know what. Just watch the movie “Castaway”. Same thing.

A spokesman for the Gap said eight boxes of women’s undergarments bound for the store apparently fell off of a truck and covered a Hawaiian highway. Fortunately, they were thongs, so they just barely covered the highway.

Officials in a central Washington city say too many businesses are using sex to sell coffee and pastry, a phenomenon known as “sexpresso”. I myself have developed the same pattern at home. A phenomenon I call “Masturbrution”.

Monologue Samples for “Jimmy Kimmel Live”

Kim Kardshian was voted off Dancing with the Stars last night. As she was leaving, the producers told her, “Don’t let the door hit your ass – oh too late”!

Once again, Cloris Leachman has survived to dance another day…which is what her kids have been saying since 1998.

Clay Aiken says, “Nothing has changed” since coming out of the closet on the cover of People Magazine recently. “I still take Ryan Seacrest’s pants off one leg at a time.”

An attorney for David Duchovny says the actor has checked out of a rehabilitation facility for treatment of sex addiction. The actor could not be reached around for a comment.

Alleged gang members are split whether they should be called by their street names or their legal names during their criminal trial. “Pookie”, “Sunshine”, and “Dollhouse” are for the use of their street names during trial. “Knife”, “Dog Stabber”, and “I Had Sex With Your Wife” are against it.

Amy Winehouse blames drug use on Satan. Satan says, “Hey! I’ll take the blame for Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer, but THAT bitch is CRAZY!!”

The New York City Health Department says Daniel is the most popular name for newborn boys in the city. The least popular name: Poop nugget.

The elections supervisor in Pascoe County, FL, says a request for a naked polling place at a local nudist colony is probably a publicity stunt. Maybe, but it took a lot of balls to ask.

Ocean Spray Cranberries Inc. says its first U.S. holiday TV special, “Cranberry Christmas,” featuring songs by Barry Manilow, will air next month on ABC Family. Not to be outdone, Ex-Lax will have their own holiday special featuring the music of Jennifer Lopez called, “Butt Load of Christmas”.

Monologue Samples for “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”

Formula One race car driver and former Dancing with the Stars champ Helio Castroneves has been indicted for failing to pay more than $5 million in taxes. When asked why he committed such a horrible, despicable, possibly career ending act Castroneves said, “I was a big fan of the show, and I thought ballroom dancing in front of millions of America would be fun…. Oh you meant the tax thing.”

I think athletes dating celebrities is a natural fit. Think about it. They’re both overpaid, they’re use to getting stuff for free, they know about good lighting when they make a sex tape. They have a lot in common! And athletes and celebrities or even the hybrid athlebrities, copyright pending, need that common ground to make a relationship work. Look, relationships are hard. Sometimes a famous person needs to complain to their significant other that the Bentley they want doesn’t come in midnight blue. A non-celeb just doesn’t understand that kind of pain. And let’s not forget the single most important reason why athletes and celebrities won’t date a regular guy like me… because I’ve asked them and they’ve all said no.
And it goes the other way, too. Do I, a non-celeb, want to date a celebrity? Do I want to be arm candy to some famous woman, and be whisked around to all the great parties and events, while at the same time, being put up in a beautiful home, rent free, and the only thing I’m required to contribute to this relationship is physical affection to a beautiful, sought after woman… and where do I sign up for this?
The point is this… finding the right person is tough, even for famous people. And we all know that when they do finally get married, and settle down and are truly happy… it will be with a non-celeb. But until that time comes… well, it think my grandpa put it best when he said, “Bobby, someday you’re gonna meet the girl of your dreams and get married and have lots of kids, but until that day comes… you should bang the entire cast of Gossip Girl”.

Monologue Samples for “Real Time with Bill Maher”

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin spent part of the weekend going through her clothing to determine what belongs to the Republican Party after it spent $150,000-plus on a wardrobe for the vice presidential nominee, according to Palin’s father. Let me help you out, Gov. The $5000 suit with $900 matching shoes… those belong to the Republican Party. The t-shirt that says “Alaskans do it with their snowshoes on”… that’s yours.

President Bush told reporters this morning that “it’s going to take awhile” for the $700 billion rescue plan to resolve problems in the nation’s financial system. “Like high school”, said Bush, “it will take a good 6 or 7 years.”

Campbell’s Soup was the only stock in the S&P 500 to gain in today’s bloodbath. Ironically, “bloodbath” was just rejected as Campbell’s newest soup.

A New York convent where Sisters of Mercy have ministered to the poor of Brooklyn for almost 150 years is closing down due to money woes. A representative said they would need a miracle to stay open or a sassy black woman posing as a nun who starts a surprisingly kick ass choir!
Ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s has unveiled its latest flavor, “Yes Pecan,” which recalls President Barack Obama’s campaign mantra. Not to be outdone, Baskin Robbins has introduced their newest flavor. A tribute to former President George W. Bush called: “I Really Fudged Up This Country”.

Desk Pieces for Saturday Night Live Weekend Update

Things took an unexpected turn for one northern Minnesota deer-hunting party this weekend when their deer stand caught fire, authorities said. Here to comment is Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’d like to talk to you about a problem sweeping this great country of ours… deer arson. Sure, Hollywood has made these deer to look like lovely creatures like Bambi and……. well, I can only think of Bambi. But for every Bambi you have another type of deer. A deer so sick and depraved they’ll stop at nothing to destroy the possessions of the people who try to hunt them down and kill them. SICK. Join me and other fellow celebrities such as Erik Estrada, George Clinton, Charo, and the guy who played The Fonz in our fight against these psychotic woodland creatures. Thank you, and eat more oatmeal.

Jennifer Garner is seeking to make a temporary restraining order issued against a man she believes is stalking her made permanent over fears for the safety of herself and her family. First of all, I don’t like to be called a “stalker”. I’m just a big, big fan. And secondly, if she doesn’t want me looking in her window at night, she should stop leaving her blinds cracked just enough for me to slip my highly expensive and tiny camera through. She loves it… Hey, Jen. Bobby here. I just wanted to say I was kidding about the whole stalker joke. I’m a comedian, and that’s what I do. I’m actually a big fan. I love “Alias”, and even enjoyed “Elektra”. Or was it “Daredevil”? Wait. Which was the one WITHOUT Ben Affleck? That’s the one I liked. Anyhoo… I hope all is well with you. Let’s do lunch sometime. All my best… Bobby. P.S. If you have any lint from your belly button that you’re not using…. Could I have it?

A cruise ship traveling off the coast of Yemen managed to outrun two boatloads of suspected pirates last weekend, a cruise official said Monday. “Good morning, passengers. Today we will have shuffle board at 9 am, at 11:30 the delightful sounds of Leon and the Hit Makers will be playing by the pool, and… OH! You @#$*!! Pirates want to take my ship? Well not without a fight you $@%@#!!sons of @#$%#! goats!! TRY AND CATCH ME!!! And at noon, Chef Rinaldi will teach all of you how to make quiche. Have a great day.”

Traffic was shut down at a portion of Memphis International Airport after police confused a sticker for punk band This Bike is a Pipe Bomb for a real threat. This does not bode well for the new band… Cocaine Butt Smuggler.

I built a time machine today… but that’s not what this story is about. Although, I will say building a time machine was surprisingly easy. All I needed was some pvc pipe, a light bulb, some duct tape, a jar containing the hopes and dreams of all the children in the world, and a sham-wow. But let’s get back to the story.
The reason for building this time machine, or as I like to call it, Trudy… was so I could go back in time and ask myself how we as a society ever figured out which “Friends” character we were before Facebook came along? How could we possibly know what type of shoe represents us, or what “Saved by the Bell” character we were in a past life (I was Mr. Belding by the way), or which cartoon cereal character best describes our personality? I couldn’t help but wonder, as I was taking the “which Sex and the City gal you are” quiz… How did we function without Facebook? (That was so “Carrie” of me)
I chose to go back in time ten years to the magical period I like to call 1999. I picked this year because I was certain “1999 Bobby” would not get freaked out by “2009 Bobby”, because back then I was more open to new things, not scared of the unknown, and pretty much wasted the whole time. Anyone remember Red Dog beer?
First thing I had to do was wait for my 1999 girlfriend to leave my old apartment. This didn’t take long, because she had a love for the outdoors, and sleeping with everyone but me. When I get done with this mission, I’m going back in time to the moment right before I met her, and I’m gonna kick myself in the sack! I’m glad I’ve let that go after all these years……………………. Skank! Here it is…. the moment of truth. Now, I’m not gonna lie to you. It took quite a lot of convincing to get my 1999 self to believe my 2009 self… and by “convincing” I mean a twelve pack of Natural Lite, and some porn from the future, but after we polished off the beer, and sat through one viewing of “Tranny-Formers”, “1999 Bobby” was more than willing to discuss my reason for the time travel. Apparently, he… or me… damn, even I’m confused… we didn’t care about such things back then. According to “1999 Bobby”, there was no need to figure out what type of cookie we were, or which Disney princess we should marry. “All we care about now is living life, and loving someone special. You know… true love like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman”, said “1999 Bobby”. Boy those were simpler times.
As I prepared to head back to the future (cue Huey Lewis music) “1999 Bobby” asked me to stick around and play some video games with him/me. I was tempted… mostly for all the “play with myself” jokes, but alas…. it was time to go. I got what I came for. So, with a shake of the hand, and a quick warning to not bother watching the movie “The Spirit”, I was on my way.
What did I learn from this trip? I learned that it doesn’t matter what He-Man character I am. I learned that love between celebrities is not ever lasting. But most importantly… I learned that time travelling is really easy. Next stop… the Jurassic period. I think I can keep those dinosaurs alive.