1. Whether you voted for Barack Obama or not, it would be impossible not to recognize the magnitude of today’s inauguration. We, the people have voted for change. However, this country cannot change if we don’t change ourselves. It starts with us. I know we all expect so much from President Barack Obama. But, shouldn’t we expect just as much from ourselves?
Not only have we elected an African American to the highest office in the world, we’ve elected an inspiring, intelligent, compassionate, hopeful, and fair man. And for the first time in my life… the President of the United States is the kind of person I aspire to be.
In his first speech as Commander-in-Chief, President Barack Obama proclaimed, “On this day we have chosen hope over fear.” Thank you, Mr. President for making that choice so easy.
1. Eighties pop star Boy George was sentenced Friday to 15 months in prison for holding a Norwegian male escort against his will in a London apartment. Apparently, he really did want to hurt him.
2. Environmentalists say the British government is not doing enough to prevent the extinction of northern rockhopper penguins. A spokesman for the British government said, “Look… we got the penguins drunk, we put on a little Otis Redding… showed them some penguin porn. That’s as far as we’re prepared to go.”
3. Johnny Knoxville was detained by Los Angeles International Airport authorities after he allegedly tried to carry an inert grenade on an airplane. Jackass.
4. Kellogg is pulling Keebler peanut butter crackers off store shelves while it investigates the source of the peanut filling. Uhhhh… the Keebler elves are the source of the filling. Now give us back the damn crackers.
Indiana University researchers suggest that even meager levels of physical activity can improve the mood of people with serious mental illnesses. You can read about this topic in my upcoming book… “Dancing out the Crazies”.
1. A patron at Missouri’s Kansas City Zoo has complained about the zoo’s Buddha statues, calling them “infuriating to God.” God, through his publicist had this to say, “The Buddha thing doesn’t bother me so much. It’s just a statue. You know what does bother me, though? Those giant cockroaches! Ewwwww. Whose idea was it to make those anyway? Oh…. Right. I love all creatures.
2. Administrators at an Indiana hospital said one of the three numbers listed for the hospital in the latest AT&T phone book connects callers to a phone sex line. Let me check on this. Hello, information? Yes, the number for the Indiana hospital I talk about in my 5 thoughts. Right. Oh… you’re a fan. Well thank you. No, I write them all myself. Thank you. Thank you. Look, I don’t mean to cut you off, but I just want the phone number. I don’t think I’m being rude, but I do think you’re being a little incompetent at your job. How dare you! My mother has never even been close to a goat. You know what? Just forget it! (click) What was I saying?
3. Researchers in Paris said an upcoming conference will be focused on the link between blonde hair and sexual desire. I myself have been conducting research focusing on the link between no hair and sexual incompetence…. I’ve said too much.
4. Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. So, kids… be on the lookout for rhesus’ feces. Now with extra poo!
5. A police officer in Harvey, IL alleges he was not working for a drug dealer for personal gain, but rather as part of an undercover operation that nobody knew about. I believe him. I think he’s telling the truth. It’s like when I was at that strip club the other night. I wasn’t there for me. It was all part of an undercover operation.
1. A 22-year-old woman is auctioning off her virginity at a legal brothel in Nevada, and has received bids up to $3.8 million. Man… when I was 22 years old, I couldn’t give my virginity away. And boy did I try.
2. High caffeine consumption such as coffee, tea, and caffeinated energy drinks could be linked to a greater tendency to hallucinate. Well, that’s just not true. (takes a sip of coffee) And here to back me up is this six foot talking penguin who goes by the name of Senator Beaky Sloppypants…
3. Scientists will use a satellite in space to help them monitor a rare turtle as it lives out its life along the coast of Ecuador. Yeah… because it’s pretty hard to keep track of a turtle. Day 14 of my turtle watch. Since yesterday, the turtle has moved from there to there. It’s a beautiful sunny day and the turtle… oh I lost him. No, there he is.
4. Scientists in New Zealand say they have found feces from giant birds that became extinct thousands of years ago. This begs the question… Why doesn’t New Zealand clean up a little more?
5. Firefighters say a goat may have started a fire that destroyed a home in central Iowa. I just don’t think that’s true (takes a sip of coffee) And here to defend himself is the goat from Iowa. Otherwise know as General Goat Montana…
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