I built a time machine today… but that’s not what this story is about. Although, I will say building a time machine was surprisingly easy. All I needed was some pvc pipe, a light bulb, some duct tape, a jar containing the hopes and dreams of all the children in the world, and a sham-wow. But let’s get back to the story.
The reason for building this time machine, or as I like to call it, Trudy… was so I could go back in time and ask myself how we as a society ever figured out which “Friends” character we were before Facebook came along? How could we possibly know what type of shoe represents us, or what “Saved by the Bell” character we were in a past life (I was Mr. Belding by the way), or which cartoon cereal character best describes our personality? I couldn’t help but wonder, as I was taking the “which Sex and the City gal you are” quiz… How did we function without Facebook? (That was so “Carrie” of me)
I chose to go back in time ten years to the magical period I like to call 1999. I picked this year because I was certain “1999 Bobby” would not get freaked out by “2009 Bobby”, because back then I was more open to new things, not scared of the unknown, and pretty much wasted the whole time. Anyone remember Red Dog beer?
First thing I had to do was wait for my 1999 girlfriend to leave my old apartment. This didn’t take long, because she had a love for the outdoors, and sleeping with everyone but me. When I get done with this mission, I’m going back in time to the moment right before I met her, and I’m gonna kick myself in the sack! I’m glad I’ve let that go after all these years……………………. Skank!
Here it is…. the moment of truth. Now, I’m not gonna lie to you. It took quite a lot of convincing to get my 1999 self to believe my 2009 self… and by “convincing” I mean a twelve pack of Natural Lite, and some porn from the future, but after we polished off the beer, and sat through one viewing of “Tranny-Formers”, “1999 Bobby” was more than willing to discuss my reason for the time travel. Apparently, he… or me… damn, even I’m confused… we didn’t care about such things back then. According to “1999 Bobby”, there was no need to figure out what type of cookie we were, or which Disney princess we should marry. “All we care about now is living life, and loving someone special. You know… true love like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman”, said “1999 Bobby”. Boy those were simpler times.
As I prepared to head back to the future (cue Huey Lewis music) “1999 Bobby” asked me to stick around and play some video games with him/me. I was tempted… mostly for all the “play with myself” jokes, but alas…. it was time to go. I got what I came for. So, with a shake of the hand, and a quick warning to not bother watching the movie “The Spirit”, I was on my way.
What did I learn from this trip? I learned that it doesn’t matter what He-Man character I am. I learned that love between celebrities is not ever lasting. But most importantly… I learned that time travelling is really easy. Next stop… the Jurassic period. I think I can keep those dinosaurs alive.
1. This just in: Crosby, Stills & Nash have announced plans to extend their 2009 tour through late September. Unfortunately, they’ll be using Viagra to do it.
2. Researchers have revealed that ginger has been found to reduce side effects of chemotherapy. And yet, chemotherapy still prefers Mary Ann.
1. The founder of a specialized day-care center in Madison, Wisconsin says her yoga classes for dogs have been a surprise success. The dogs’ favorite pose? Downward human.
2. A man received an eight-month suspended jail sentence Monday for rolling a half million or so rubber balls down Rome’s famed Spanish Steps. “That’s the most balls I’ve ever seen coming at me,” said one witness to the account. “Nah, I’ve seen more”, said my slutty ex-girlfriend.
3. Residents of a mountainous region in Switzerland say naked hikers are not welcome, and have proclaimed it by a show of hands. Unfortunately, the naked hikers were able to raise more appendages.
1. U.S. orthopedic surgeons warn children can suffer injury to their elbows and writst from throwing too many baseball pitches. Yeah… That’s why 12 year old boys have sore elbows and wrists.
2. A Chicago restaurateur has earned praise from the community for hiring convicted felons, but the eatery’s name — Felony Franks – strike some as being in poor taste. Also, a little strange? The convicts only want to enter through the back door.
3. The governing party of South Africa said Jacob Zuma, expected to become president, will make the decision about which of his wives will be first lady. Immediately, former President Bill Clinton said, “You can do that”?
4. They say that men can be defined by one choice… and no it’s not Ginger or Mary Ann. It’s whether you are a Star Trek fan or a Star Wars fan. Well, part of that group will be very excited for this Friday when J.J. Abrams will introduce his re-telling of the famous Star Trek franchise. Personally, I often get “wars” and “trek” mixed up. I think I’m a Star Trek fan… which one has the wookies? Either way, trekkies are sure to leave their basements in droves to catch this new version. Abrams has cast virtually all unknowns to crew the Enterprise (or is it the Millennium Falcon)? This tactic usually pays off in these big summer movies and will surely make gigantic movie stars out of the new comers. It certainly worked in Star Wars… except for Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, and the guy in the Chewbacca suit. I myself, am very excited to see this movie. I’m a sucker for outer space hijinx, and special effects. So, set your phasers to “entertaining” and head out to the theaters this Friday. And as always…. May the force live long and prosper with you….. wait… what?
1. A researcher at England’s Newcastle University says cows with names tend to be happier and more productive than their nameless fellow cows. I bet the ones named “Cheeseburger” or “Filet” aren’t that happy.
2. Flight attendants for Spirit Airlines are angry and want the company to pull a series of sexually suggestive advertisements. Personally, I see nothing wrong with their ad…. “Fly Spirit. Bone a stewardess”! They’re so touchy.
3. Chinese archaeologists say they’ve found ancient cave houses that may be the earliest made by man. How do they know it was a man’s dwelling? Their was a mattress on the ground, an Atari 2600 BC, and only ketchup and beer in the icebox.
4. A member of a polygamist sect in Texas repeatedly invoked his Fifth Amendment rights in a custody case. Of course, having five wives… he’s used to not speaking.
5. No suit jacket in the Oval Office is just one example of how U.S. President Barack Obama is departing from George Bush’s traditions. Another example… Doing stuff.
1. Japan’s Canon Inc. says it wants its married employees to do their bit to help the nation by going home early and making babies. Single employees were also asked to give a hand.
2. This just in: CVS stores in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area complain that they lost $40,000 to a loyal shoplifter who specialized in detergent, body wash and deodorant. So, be on the lookout for a really clean guy.
3. Swedish authorities have barred a woman’s attempt to obtain a license plate bearing the letters ADHD. When the officials told the woman that the combination was potentially offensive, she responded with, “Huh?”
4. U.S. researchers say Antarctica’s emperor penguins could be extinct in parts of the region by the end of the 21st century. I smell a Disney movie!
5. The bad news: The hordes of caterpillars destroying crops in northern Liberia appear to be moving into other Africa nations. The good news: It will take them 2 years to get there.
1. A sticky rice roll more than 111 feet long and weighing more than a ton has been cooked in Vietnam to raise money for the hungry. Hey, dumbasses!!! Feed them the damn rice roll!
2. The Illinois-based American Pie Council suggests people mark Friday’s National Pie Day by engaging in “random acts of pieness.” Jason Biggs from “American Pie” immediately calls dibs.
3. A California company says Super Bowl XLIII will use 120 balls. Or as Paris Hilton calls it… 60 guys.
4. A lethal condition that has been killing bats in New York for two years has spread into New Jersey and Pennsylvania. “And eventually… Gotham City!!” said the Riddler.
5. To fight an epidemic of obesity and its life threatening complications, researchers in Brownsville, Texas, are using a farmer’s market. Unfortunately, the farmer’s market is next door to a Krispy Kreme.
1. An Ohio man claims in a lawsuit against a strip club that he was struck in the face and injured by a dancer’s discarded boot. Boy, do I know what that’s like. I was at this strip club one time… What? Nothing.
2. A Phoenix plumber said he was able to locate a $70,000 diamond ring that was accidentally flushed down a restaurant toilet. The woman that ring belonged to said she will always remember the plumber for his dedication and hard work… and because her hand still smells like poop.
3. Police in Florida said a man was arrested after he allegedly pulled a knife on his brother during an argument about chicken wings. And now… the 5 thoughts players will perform that argument for you…. enjoy. Hey, what’s up? Nothing. What’s up with you? Nothing. Just enjoying these amazing chicken wings. What? Chicken wings are stupid! You’re stupid! (pull out knife)
4. Recent reports claim that scientists are getting closer to achieving the “Star Trek” feat of teleportation. Sorry scientists. I’ve already beaten you to it.
5. A New York resident says an anti-firearm law is preventing would-be hunters from killing troublesome geese, which he says are delicious when cooked. I totally agree! You ever had goose wings? They’re awesome! Goose wings are stupid! You’re stupid! Let’s dance!
1. The New York-based American Kennel Club said 2008 registrations suggest the Labrador retriever is the most popular dog in the country. Who’s the least popular
“dog”? Randy Jackson.
2. An Australian scientist says an international study suggests human consumption of frog legs is now threatening the amphibians’ extinction… and their ability to dance
3. A 23-year-old man has been arrested on charges of repeatedly breaking into an adult sex shop in Australia, and having sex with blow up dolls. The man looked to be calm and unapologetic as he was caught in the act. The dolls just seemed to be surprised.
4. It was announced this morning that “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” has garnered 13 Oscar nominations. The movie is about a person who ages backwards… appearing younger as they get older. Or as they call it in Hollywood. Hollywood.
5. Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin says to new organizations: Leave my kids alone. New Organizations say to Sarah Palin: Stop calling us.
1. Scottish regulators said the brand Speedball Beer is being removed from stores after complaints that the name glamorizes illegal drug use. Well, that won’t put an end to the production of my new beer… Meth Light.
2. A mountain biker in Boulder, CO said she stopped to let a cow pass her by but the impolite cow knocked her to the ground and walked on her legs. And now, a 5 thoughts public service announcement. Hey, folks. My name is Bobby Banuelos. You may recognize me from 5 thoughts or your dreams. I’m here to talk to you about a problem that’s sweeping the nation… mean cows. Have you ever tried to let a cow pass and they just knock you over and walk on your legs? Have you ever….. uh….. what else…. Did I say the whole cow knocking you over and walking on your legs? I did? I don’t think cows are that mean. Cows are cool! They give us milk, and those really funny California cheese commercials. I love cows! OK. New public service announcement. All female mountain bikers from Boulder, CO are big fat liars!! It’s a joke. Calm down female mountain bikers from Boulder, CO. Don’t have a cow…
3. A Michigan man said he has amassed 27 college degrees, including 20 master’s degrees, and he is working on two more. Oh yeah! Well, I’ve had sex with a woman… once.
4. A Swedish woman who claims to be addicted to Coca Cola will be allowed to enter an addiction treatment clinic. I tried coke once… but the ice kept getting stuck in my nose.
5. Ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s has unveiled its latest flavor, “Yes Pecan,” which recalls President Barack Obama’s campaign mantra. Not to be outdone, Baskin Robbins has introduced their newest flavor. A tribute to former President George W. Bush called: “I Really Fudged Up This Country”.
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