I built a time machine today… but that’s not what this story is about. Although, I will say building a time machine was surprisingly easy. All I needed was some pvc pipe, a light bulb, some duct tape, a jar containing the hopes and dreams of all the children in the world, and a sham-wow. But let’s get back to the story.

The reason for building this time machine, or as I like to call it, Trudy… was so I could go back in time and ask myself how we as a society ever figured out which “Friends” character we were before Facebook came along? How could we possibly know what type of shoe represents us, or what “Saved by the Bell” character we were in a past life (I was Mr. Belding by the way), or which cartoon cereal character best describes our personality? I couldn’t help but wonder, as I was taking the “which Sex and the City gal you are” quiz… How did we function without Facebook? (That was so “Carrie” of me)

I chose to go back in time ten years to the magical period I like to call 1999. I picked this year because I was certain “1999 Bobby” would not get freaked out by “2009 Bobby”, because back then I was more open to new things, not scared of the unknown, and pretty much wasted the whole time. Anyone remember Red Dog beer?

First thing I had to do was wait for my 1999 girlfriend to leave my old apartment. This didn’t take long, because she had a love for the outdoors, and sleeping with everyone but me. When I get done with this mission, I’m going back in time to the moment right before I met her, and I’m gonna kick myself in the sack! I’m glad I’ve let that go after all these years……………………. Skank!

Here it is…. the moment of truth. Now, I’m not gonna lie to you. It took quite a lot of convincing to get my 1999 self to believe my 2009 self… and by “convincing” I mean a twelve pack of Natural Lite, and some porn from the future, but after we polished off the beer, and sat through one viewing of “Tranny-Formers”, “1999 Bobby” was more than willing to discuss my reason for the time travel. Apparently, he… or me… damn, even I’m confused… we didn’t care about such things back then. According to “1999 Bobby”, there was no need to figure out what type of cookie we were, or which Disney princess we should marry. “All we care about now is living life, and loving someone special. You know… true love like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman”, said “1999 Bobby”. Boy those were simpler times.

As I prepared to head back to the future (cue Huey Lewis music) “1999 Bobby” asked me to stick around and play some video games with him/me. I was tempted… mostly for all the “play with myself” jokes, but alas…. it was time to go. I got what I came for. So, with a shake of the hand, and a quick warning to not bother watching the movie “The Spirit”, I was on my way.

What did I learn from this trip? I learned that it doesn’t matter what He-Man character I am. I learned that love between celebrities is not ever lasting. But most importantly… I learned that time travelling is really easy. Next stop… the Jurassic period. I think I can keep those dinosaurs alive.