1. A patron at Missouri’s Kansas City Zoo has complained about the zoo’s Buddha statues, calling them “infuriating to God.”  God, through his publicist had this to say, “The Buddha thing doesn’t bother me so much.  It’s just a statue.  You know what does bother me, though?  Those giant cockroaches!  Ewwwww.  Whose idea was it to make those anyway?  Oh…. Right.  I love all creatures.
2. Administrators at an Indiana hospital said one of the three numbers listed for the hospital in the latest AT&T phone book connects callers to a phone sex line.  Let me check on this.  Hello, information?  Yes, the number for the Indiana hospital I talk about in my 5 thoughts.  Right.  Oh… you’re a fan.  Well thank you.  No, I write them all myself.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Look, I don’t mean to cut you off, but I just want the phone number.  I don’t think I’m being rude, but I do think you’re being a little incompetent at your job.  How dare you!  My mother has never even been close to a goat.  You know what?  Just forget it!  (click)  What was I saying?
3. Researchers in Paris said an upcoming conference will be focused on the link between blonde hair and sexual desire.  I myself have been conducting research focusing on the link between no hair and sexual incompetence….  I’ve said too much.
4. Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay.  So, kids… be on the lookout for rhesus’ feces.  Now with extra poo!
5. A police officer in Harvey, IL alleges he was not working for a drug dealer for personal gain, but rather as part of an undercover operation that nobody knew about.  I believe him.  I think he’s telling the truth.  It’s like when I was at that strip club the other night.  I wasn’t there for me.  It was all part of an undercover operation.