1. Scottish regulators said the brand Speedball Beer is being removed from stores after complaints that the name glamorizes illegal drug use.  Well, that won’t put an end to the production of my new beer… Meth Light.
2. A mountain biker in Boulder, CO said she stopped to let a cow pass her by but the impolite cow knocked her to the ground and walked on her legs.  And now, a 5 thoughts public service announcement.  Hey, folks.  My name is Bobby Banuelos.  You may recognize me from 5 thoughts or your dreams.  I’m here to talk to you about a problem that’s sweeping the nation… mean cows.  Have you ever tried to let a cow pass and they just knock you over and walk on your legs?  Have you ever….. uh….. what else…. Did I say the whole cow knocking you over and walking on your legs?  I did?  I don’t think cows are that mean.  Cows are cool!  They give us milk, and those really funny California cheese commercials.  I love cows!  OK.  New public service announcement.  All female mountain bikers from Boulder, CO are big fat liars!!  It’s a joke.  Calm down female mountain bikers from Boulder, CO.  Don’t have a cow…
3. A Michigan man said he has amassed 27 college degrees, including 20 master’s degrees, and he is working on two more.  Oh yeah!  Well, I’ve had sex with a woman… once.
4. A Swedish woman who claims to be addicted to Coca Cola will be allowed to enter an addiction treatment clinic.  I tried coke once… but the ice kept getting stuck in my nose.
5. Ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s has unveiled its latest flavor, “Yes Pecan,” which recalls President Barack Obama’s campaign mantra.  Not to be outdone, Baskin Robbins has introduced their newest flavor.  A tribute to former President George W. Bush called:  “I Really Fudged Up This Country”.