1. An Ohio man claims in a lawsuit against a strip club that he was struck in the face and injured by a dancer’s discarded boot.  Boy, do I know what that’s like.  I was at this strip club one time… What?  Nothing.
2. A Phoenix plumber said he was able to locate a $70,000 diamond ring that was accidentally flushed down a restaurant toilet.  The woman that ring belonged to said she will always remember the plumber for his dedication and hard work… and because her hand still smells like poop.
3. Police in Florida said a man was arrested after he allegedly pulled a knife on his brother during an argument about chicken wings.  And now… the 5 thoughts players will perform that argument for you…. enjoy.  Hey, what’s up?  Nothing.  What’s up with you?  Nothing.  Just enjoying these amazing chicken wings.  What?  Chicken wings are stupid!  You’re stupid!  (pull out knife)
4. Recent reports claim that scientists are getting closer to achieving the “Star Trek” feat of teleportation.  Sorry scientists.  I’ve already beaten you to it.
5. A New York resident says an anti-firearm law is preventing would-be hunters from killing troublesome geese, which he says are delicious when cooked.  I totally agree!  You ever had goose wings?  They’re awesome!  Goose wings are stupid!  You’re stupid!  Let’s dance!