1. A 22-year-old woman is auctioning off her virginity at a legal brothel in Nevada, and has received bids up to $3.8 million.  Man… when I was 22 years old, I couldn’t give my virginity away.  And boy did I try.
2. High caffeine consumption such as coffee, tea, and caffeinated energy drinks could be linked to a greater tendency to hallucinate.  Well, that’s just not true. (takes a sip of coffee)  And here to back me up is this six foot talking penguin who goes by the name of Senator Beaky Sloppypants…
3. Scientists will use a satellite in space to help them monitor a rare turtle as it lives out its life along the coast of Ecuador.  Yeah… because it’s pretty hard to keep track of a turtle.  Day 14 of my turtle watch.  Since yesterday, the turtle has moved from there to there.  It’s a beautiful sunny day and the turtle… oh I lost him.  No, there he is.
4. Scientists in New Zealand say they have found feces from giant birds that became extinct thousands of years ago.  This begs the question… Why doesn’t New Zealand clean up a little more?
5. Firefighters say a goat may have started a fire that destroyed a home in central Iowa.  I just don’t think that’s true (takes a sip of coffee) And here to defend himself is the goat from Iowa.  Otherwise know as General Goat Montana…